Deus Ex Machina autism

There are aspects/traits of my complex PTSD and aspergers that IRL I would love to have either reduced or removed, but IRL, they are immutable in my 30+yrs of experience around them and attempts to get treatment/help for them.

But here is the trick: in currently WIP writing… I have a character who CAN do those very things. But should I?

If I could reduce or eliminate the impact fixation lock has on my daily life, I don’t even have words for how great that would be, because the thing I hate most about that trait is how agitated if not flat out enraged I become when something or someone stumbles into me and interrupts me during fixation lock, and there is not a damned thing on earth I can do to change “that is just how your brain reacts to that.”

I’d love to no longer have the triggers to medical, authority figures, and fear for my life when either of those two come up, because it would be nice to be able to call 911 and not fear for my life after several events that dealing with those forces has brought about in my life in the past. I’d like to be able to ask a doctor about my chest pains, abdominal pains, the changing colors of a growth on my foot… Without fear of abuse, beatings, imprisonment, death threats, and flat out execution at the hands of the people who… Well… Two of the first three death threats of my life came at the hands of MD’s. With death threats from a judge and other authority figures around that very same time.

I’m getting older, and i’m just smart enough to realize experiencing blinding fear and panic attacks when being around medical staff, whom in my experience react extremely poorly to anxiety and panic attacks in their “patients”, Is a mixture for very very bad things to happen to me one day as my body ages and things that are just minor inconveniences now… Become life threatening in the years to come.

I have a main character who is also a POV character in WIP who has both PTSD and aspergers. Due to how badly my mix of those two has hurt me IRL and taken away so many opportunities… I can’t have that character experience precisely what I do, or they could not be an MC. I know this because my complex PTSD and autism have lead to me being disabled due to how many times a week, even per day some days, where I am crippled/incapacitated multiple times a week or day.

I’ve chosen to have this character be drug resistant just as I am IRL, thus reducing their treatment options to near zero, like mine are. Ironically, I have little idea how to write about poor characters as MC’s (which is what disability reduces you to IRL in the US, poverty), because when you are poor, there is very little “pro-active” you can do in life past surviving each day, week, month, particularly when complex PTSD and aging are added atop that bill, Much less “being hero of an epic.”

But, I have another MC in that same WIP, who can manipulate DNA, cellular structure, transmute elements at the subatomic level… Who WILL provide cancer treatment/reversal in this same WIP because I’ve lost too many friends and neighbors to cancer in the last four years to NOT have this entity grade being who cares rather greatly for children… To NOT help after one child asks, “but why don’t you fix their cancer?”

I’ve let one beloved character die of brain damage due to the sudden death by brain damage of someone I knew IRL. Took months to develop an internally consistent reason for WHY that happened.

I’ve sorted out in-world why and how of the differences between high and low functioning autism. Thankfully in broad enough terms that IF IRL we find out aspergers and low functioning autism really aren’t related conditions… I’ll have my bases covered.

I know PTSD, regardless of simple or complex, is essentially a form of brain damage or more importantly, as of right now IRL, irreversible. It is only cope able with.

So, how the hell do I have an MC living with complex PTSD and aspergers in the same world with a being, an entity, for whom “tinkering” with DNA, for whom regenerating whole human limbs, regenerating flesh that has suffered third degree burns right down the bone?

And before anyone asks the obvious question, yes, they both know of each other, directly. The PTSD MC is the boyfriend of a daughter OF that entity/being. And daughter very pointedly screams at “mama”, “why won’t you just help him? WHY!”

So glad this “little issue” is in novel two of the trilogy and I’ve got some time to… Sort out this conundrum.

Just to be clear, my reluctance here is to go the hollywood path and make a magical cure/fix for a RL condition that millions deal with everyday IRL for whom there is no such thing as a “cure.”

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passive suicidal

What is passively suicidal? It is when someone is not actively trying to kill themselves (guns, knives, drugs, jumping off bridges), but are instead passively avoiding doing the little things to keep themselves alive long term. Like stop eating properly. Give up on medical care for known conditions/issues. But still comes with the same loss of interest in their passions, hobbies, friends, etc..

I named this blog post “passive suicidal”, because I realized tonight that I’ve been in an ever worsening down cycle OF passive suicide.

Now this type of thing happens to me. It is something I have lived off and on with since 1991. Yes, I have sought treatment, dozens of times. And it is how I have learned of the weaknesses and flaws of the US mental healthcare system, and that I am drug resistant.

Nine drugs, all coming with the big promise from MD’s of “this will fix you right up”, “this will cure you”, etc.. And not a single drug helped. Six of them made my life very much so worse. The anti-psychotic I was put on for two years left me with many permanent side-effects, even years after coming off of it.

Additionally tonight I learned that some autism blog added me to “their list.” Admittedly I have little idea what that means, but it sure gave me a spike in favs & looks. Sadly I am in no mental space to research what this blog list means nor is, and since new things tend to trigger my “i’m a retarded faggot” trigger both from my autism side and my CPTSD side, I won’t be poking at any new sites to find out either. Not tonight/today at least.

Now, I have wanted to blog about something for weeks, so I had some blogging done, but just nothing had… Presented itself to be blogged about. And then tonight I realized a pattern that… Well honestly my passive suicidal depression stuff is hard for me to notice. And equally honestly, depression is one of the last things mental healthcare types ever notice, at least in me, unless I talk about suicide, then the cops coming pouring out of the woodwork screaming at me about murder, with hands on the guns, and lots of them crowding around me.

So, I noticed a pattern to the way my time had grown mushy, hard to tell what happened when nor where. I was finding it hard to remember the last time I talked with friends I used to talk with all the time online, etc., etc.. I was spending huge amounts of time in my “avoidance” coping mechanisms. Movies, episodes, and even some gaming again (gaming is a source of fixation lock for me, so I tend to avoid them now, because I got tired of losing whole days to it and/or screaming at anyone or thing that interrupted it). All just to pass time, so I’d not have to feel the pain (anxiety and flashbacks mostly) I have grown used to no professionals can help me with, no matter how many of them I go to, how many crisis hotlines I contact on the bad days, no matter how many doctors I tell of these things.

I noticed how much I was avoiding writing. Or should I say how I would sit down to write on something, and hours or days later realize I had not done it, but had no real idea what I had done in the meantime.

Now I’ve done this rodeo hundreds of times through the years. I’ve been to professionals, read forums, read WebMD, wikipedia, and so many other sites, books, medical thingies, and I know depression, anxiety, fear of near others for I might be murdered by some cop (legally too here in the US) because he/she felt “threatened” or fear another medical type will tell me I need to die and scream at me at length why I need to die as a “cancer on society.”

Just I know no real answers that work for me.

At best, the drugs cause me to black out and just not feel for 6-18hrs, then I wake up, and it is all right back to shit. At worst, the drugs make me hallucinate, not able to stand without staggering like i’ve got a blood alcohol of 0.30, panic attacking, and my hyper vigilance so wildly over-triggered I can barely see & hear much less function.

Therapists/professionals generally want no part of me talking about this stuff around them. They change the subject, stop talking, look away/avoid eye contact, give one word answers, or nod a lot. Most of them terminate services after seeing or hearing of one of these episodes.

Honestly, at times like this, I have no idea why I DON’T commit suicide. I’ve had a plan in place since 1991. Have an abundance of tools with which to carry it out with. I can only assume autism comes with an unexpected silver lining. But yet No professional can answer that question in any kind of meaningful fashion.

I had been wondering why life felt so off for the last few months. And tonight I figured out why. Not like that makes a big difference. Just means the depression that had NOT been eating my ass since Sept 2015 has peeked back into my life.

But it sure as hell explains the lack of energy and motivation for personal things for months now, lmao.

Hopefully being aware will mean now my unconscious and conscious minds can work hand-in-hand with this, and I’ll start to feel better again. That has happened a lot since April 2013 when therapist of that time stumbled upon a door that allows me to talk… Well sort of talk, it ain’t like via normal words, lmao, well to talk with “the others.” I guess we’ll see what type of answers do or don’t manifest in the near future, hmmm?

Beginning the Sorting Out of Worldbuilding Notes

Almost two years after a good writing friend suggested I draft up both a “monstrous manual” and a “manual of the planes” (concepts taken from how old school D&D wrote up a bestiary and its cosmology), my autistic brain finally got a grasp on how to handle and do this project.

After 48yrs on this planet, I am finally used to being slow, but not stupid. IE, it takes me a lot longer than a neural typical to learn new things. Now once I learn them, I can re-apply them quite easily. And that is what has happened here.

So sometime in the coming weeks (months?) I will finally assemble my mountain of world building notes into a semblance of order that my “learned fiction via D&D” brain can utilize while I write these WIP novels (yes, all in the same fictional multi-verse).

To my #turtlewriter friends, slow really is better than never, particularly when you have a communication developmental learning disorder (the official category Aspergers/autism sit within) that forces an additional layer of writing complications upon you as an author.

Something Interesting Happened on the Way to the Forum, 1

I was, and may yet elsewhere/later, blog about the depression + anxiety + flashbacks I’ve dealt with for the last 5, 6 days and how unfun things had been, particularly on the worst night, the 24th, but a funny thing happened on the way to the forum…

After seven years of feeling something was wrong with my (read, the writer’s most loved MC) personal MC’s eyes and how the eyes of those she/it used as hosts were purple, but until tonight, I had just never been able to put my finger on exactly what AND if everyone who looked into such’s eyes would be able to readily see that “purple.” That has now changed.

One, the eye color is now officially Violet, because the color must be a true electromagnetic spectrum “color”, and Violet is while purple is purely an artistic construct.

Two, While her/its eye color is violet when she/it assumes a form of her/its own, that has not changed, now her/its host’s eye color will not actually change. What does change is their pupils was dimly glow violet and if something capable of seeing into/detecting the ultraviolet range, the color will be visible in the near UV spectrum as well.

So now I comfortably (for me the author) have restored her/its creepiness to any who see her/it or their host’s eyes. And now I no longer have the “worry” about whether or not “purple” eyes would be visible/detectable by those she/it were talking to under well lit conditions, because dimly glowing violet pupils would cause the hind brain of any human seeing that to cry “something is wrong here, THREAT!” even if the conscious side of the brain might not be directly see the unexpected color shift of the subject’s pupils.

On a side note, I have always known that her/its little “tell” does not impact/impair the vision of her/its hosts, since basically a data filter is put in place that prevents the host from seeing everything through a constant purple haze/filter/lens.

Very Poorly Timed Episode

Now while I am doing a bit better now (which is no indication I won’t be right back “here” later), tonight has not been fun.

Having to roll from night owl to day walker is always rough for me, because my complex PTSD basically has the least anxiety during the night when no people are around, and days tend to leave me feeling like a retarded faggot every minute of my life. Long story as to why, but basically “culmination of multiple psychological and emotional abuses as a child.”

And made the mistake, and sadly did not even notice it at the time, of having a medical type discussion and letting myself talk too much while at buddy’s house, about medical abuses I have faced and the fact I have several moles that have changed shape, color, and size over the last few years, and how I fear being murdered by doctors more than actually treated for the likely skin cancer I have developed.

This paranoia/fear stems from two of the first three death threats in my life came from an MD and a psychiatrist who both recommended me for “immediate execution or life in prison”, plus numerous medical or crisis hotline visits that ended with things like “aren’t you ashamed of being a cancer on society?” or “no one will ever want to be around someone like you, go home.”

Well and the fact I watched six doctors and two ER’s tell my father the black stuff on his toes and later his feet was nothing and to go home and stop complaining. Only for doc #7 and ER #3 to tell us it was gangrene. So yeah… I have trust issues with the medical profession.

So all this lead to worsening flashbacks for two days now that tonight finally reached the overload level and I became impaired with paranoia, fear for my life, and screaming, howling pain fill my every thought and emotion from all the flashbacks overlapping each other.

Ironically, I also found an art reference tonight for my eldritch abomination MC (Main Character) for my WIP. I really wish I did not have to go through severe emotional/psychological pain to make the best leaps forward in my world building, character building, and plot development *sighs, rolling eyes*

And now to deal with taking roomie to work, baby sitting a 4yro for a couple hours, and then three hours of driving and therapy session, all in one day, with… I’m gonna call it “less than two hours of sleep because the alarm rings in two hours.”

Why I teach…

I may have had some ghastly school experiences growing up, but I always love hearing about things like this FROM teachers ❤

(And I'll be stealing that greeting them at the door idea for WIP and the school it is set at)

Immortal Words of a Mortal Writer

November is almost at an end, which means most teachers are counting down the days until Christmas break. I’ve decided to do a different kind of counting this year: I’ll be counting all the reasons to return to my profession after the new year…

One thing we need to think about during this holiday season is why we’re here in the first place. Why are we teaching? What keeps us teaching? What makes us come back after the break (especially after Christmas break)?

Image result for teaching quote

I’m in my sixth year of teaching, and I still enjoy teaching as much as I did when I first started. I even like *whispers* Mondays!

What? It’s true!

For those of you who still enjoy teaching as much as you did on day one, I hope you keep the spirit alive during your holiday break. For those of you who are contemplating a career change, take…

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A Matter of CPTSD, Autism, & My Writing

Okay, because… Because this is so strongly impacting my work & writing on WIP/The Home for Lost Souls…

Organization of data as a rather critical skill for writers, particularly once you get into the longer forms of fiction. Notes on world building, characters, time lines, settings, and subplots… These are all critically important for continuity when you get into novel series, particularly if things are going to run “long.”

In the past while writing short stories and novelettes, I could float the entire story in my head, so I could mostly get around my weaknesses at organization. But for writing any of my interconnected series of stories ideas… This has become a rather nasty… Problem.

The short version of the problem is any and all thoughts of organization (writing isn’t the only one) induces an emotional type flashback, that comes with panic attacks, anxiety attacks (yes, they are different), and if I push too hard… Suicidal thoughts, despondency, and… Worse.

So I try very hard to avoid getting to the bad stages of these consequences. IE, I just avoid thinking too hard about organization. And yes, this has come up in sessions with psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, counselors. And the answers fall into several categories. Silence and non-reactiveness from them. Termination of services. “I didn’t sign up for that.”

None of the nine drugs they have experimented on me with helped either. Most made it actually worse. And let me tell you, hallucinations while being hyper-vigilant, panicking, and scared out of your mind… Was not fun.

So, I have a quandary.

The Home for Lost Souls, even if I ditched everything past the first story arc, basically reducing it to just the original one novel idea…

It is still a story an order of magnitude in length beyond anything else I have successfully written, and thus notes, organizing them, and [insert words I don’t know here for the screaming fear thing-y in back of my mind[.

While I am reluctant to do another NaNoWriMo blind, with no notes, no plans on “paper”, since all previous attempts have collapsed at between 20k-25k words…

I have no other choice but to try or give up on writing permanently.

Even just simple things like trying to write out a bullet list of moments I already know I have to write towards, has proven impossible. I get 2-5 written down… And then I forget the task existed and lose all track of the files OR paper they were written upon. IE, my CPTSD stuff sets in and sabotages the work, internally.

I have two more days in which to get some kind of outline, notes, something written down before Nov 1 and NaNo starts. I am so hoping the parts of me that want to write The Home for Lost Souls want to write more than the CPTSD parts believe I need to be stopped from doing anything of any value are.