Okay, because… Because this is so strongly impacting my work & writing on WIP/The Home for Lost Souls…
Organization of data as a rather critical skill for writers, particularly once you get into the longer forms of fiction. Notes on world building, characters, time lines, settings, and subplots… These are all critically important for continuity when you get into novel series, particularly if things are going to run “long.”
In the past while writing short stories and novelettes, I could float the entire story in my head, so I could mostly get around my weaknesses at organization. But for writing any of my interconnected series of stories ideas… This has become a rather nasty… Problem.
The short version of the problem is any and all thoughts of organization (writing isn’t the only one) induces an emotional type flashback, that comes with panic attacks, anxiety attacks (yes, they are different), and if I push too hard… Suicidal thoughts, despondency, and… Worse.
So I try very hard to avoid getting to the bad stages of these consequences. IE, I just avoid thinking too hard about organization. And yes, this has come up in sessions with psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, counselors. And the answers fall into several categories. Silence and non-reactiveness from them. Termination of services. “I didn’t sign up for that.”
None of the nine drugs they have experimented on me with helped either. Most made it actually worse. And let me tell you, hallucinations while being hyper-vigilant, panicking, and scared out of your mind… Was not fun.
So, I have a quandary.
The Home for Lost Souls, even if I ditched everything past the first story arc, basically reducing it to just the original one novel idea…
It is still a story an order of magnitude in length beyond anything else I have successfully written, and thus notes, organizing them, and [insert words I don’t know here for the screaming fear thing-y in back of my mind[.
While I am reluctant to do another NaNoWriMo blind, with no notes, no plans on “paper”, since all previous attempts have collapsed at between 20k-25k words…
I have no other choice but to try or give up on writing permanently.
Even just simple things like trying to write out a bullet list of moments I already know I have to write towards, has proven impossible. I get 2-5 written down… And then I forget the task existed and lose all track of the files OR paper they were written upon. IE, my CPTSD stuff sets in and sabotages the work, internally.
I have two more days in which to get some kind of outline, notes, something written down before Nov 1 and NaNo starts. I am so hoping the parts of me that want to write The Home for Lost Souls want to write more than the CPTSD parts believe I need to be stopped from doing anything of any value are.