Beginning the Sorting Out of Worldbuilding Notes

Almost two years after a good writing friend suggested I draft up both a “monstrous manual” and a “manual of the planes” (concepts taken from how old school D&D wrote up a bestiary and its cosmology), my autistic brain finally got a grasp on how to handle and do this project.

After 48yrs on this planet, I am finally used to being slow, but not stupid. IE, it takes me a lot longer than a neural typical to learn new things. Now once I learn them, I can re-apply them quite easily. And that is what has happened here.

So sometime in the coming weeks (months?) I will finally assemble my mountain of world building notes into a semblance of order that my “learned fiction via D&D” brain can utilize while I write these WIP novels (yes, all in the same fictional multi-verse).

To my #turtlewriter friends, slow really is better than never, particularly when you have a communication developmental learning disorder (the official category Aspergers/autism sit within) that forces an additional layer of writing complications upon you as an author.

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Something Interesting Happened on the Way to the Forum, 1

I was, and may yet elsewhere/later, blog about the depression + anxiety + flashbacks I’ve dealt with for the last 5, 6 days and how unfun things had been, particularly on the worst night, the 24th, but a funny thing happened on the way to the forum…

After seven years of feeling something was wrong with my (read, the writer’s most loved MC) personal MC’s eyes and how the eyes of those she/it used as hosts were purple, but until tonight, I had just never been able to put my finger on exactly what AND if everyone who looked into such’s eyes would be able to readily see that “purple.” That has now changed.

One, the eye color is now officially Violet, because the color must be a true electromagnetic spectrum “color”, and Violet is while purple is purely an artistic construct.

Two, While her/its eye color is violet when she/it assumes a form of her/its own, that has not changed, now her/its host’s eye color will not actually change. What does change is their pupils was dimly glow violet and if something capable of seeing into/detecting the ultraviolet range, the color will be visible in the near UV spectrum as well.

So now I comfortably (for me the author) have restored her/its creepiness to any who see her/it or their host’s eyes. And now I no longer have the “worry” about whether or not “purple” eyes would be visible/detectable by those she/it were talking to under well lit conditions, because dimly glowing violet pupils would cause the hind brain of any human seeing that to cry “something is wrong here, THREAT!” even if the conscious side of the brain might not be directly see the unexpected color shift of the subject’s pupils.

On a side note, I have always known that her/its little “tell” does not impact/impair the vision of her/its hosts, since basically a data filter is put in place that prevents the host from seeing everything through a constant purple haze/filter/lens.

Very Poorly Timed Episode

Now while I am doing a bit better now (which is no indication I won’t be right back “here” later), tonight has not been fun.

Having to roll from night owl to day walker is always rough for me, because my complex PTSD basically has the least anxiety during the night when no people are around, and days tend to leave me feeling like a retarded faggot every minute of my life. Long story as to why, but basically “culmination of multiple psychological and emotional abuses as a child.”

And made the mistake, and sadly did not even notice it at the time, of having a medical type discussion and letting myself talk too much while at buddy’s house, about medical abuses I have faced and the fact I have several moles that have changed shape, color, and size over the last few years, and how I fear being murdered by doctors more than actually treated for the likely skin cancer I have developed.

This paranoia/fear stems from two of the first three death threats in my life came from an MD and a psychiatrist who both recommended me for “immediate execution or life in prison”, plus numerous medical or crisis hotline visits that ended with things like “aren’t you ashamed of being a cancer on society?” or “no one will ever want to be around someone like you, go home.”

Well and the fact I watched six doctors and two ER’s tell my father the black stuff on his toes and later his feet was nothing and to go home and stop complaining. Only for doc #7 and ER #3 to tell us it was gangrene. So yeah… I have trust issues with the medical profession.

So all this lead to worsening flashbacks for two days now that tonight finally reached the overload level and I became impaired with paranoia, fear for my life, and screaming, howling pain fill my every thought and emotion from all the flashbacks overlapping each other.

Ironically, I also found an art reference tonight for my eldritch abomination MC (Main Character) for my WIP. I really wish I did not have to go through severe emotional/psychological pain to make the best leaps forward in my world building, character building, and plot development *sighs, rolling eyes*

And now to deal with taking roomie to work, baby sitting a 4yro for a couple hours, and then three hours of driving and therapy session, all in one day, with… I’m gonna call it “less than two hours of sleep because the alarm rings in two hours.”

Why I teach…

I may have had some ghastly school experiences growing up, but I always love hearing about things like this FROM teachers ❤

(And I'll be stealing that greeting them at the door idea for WIP and the school it is set at)

Immortal Words of a Mortal Writer

November is almost at an end, which means most teachers are counting down the days until Christmas break. I’ve decided to do a different kind of counting this year: I’ll be counting all the reasons to return to my profession after the new year…

One thing we need to think about during this holiday season is why we’re here in the first place. Why are we teaching? What keeps us teaching? What makes us come back after the break (especially after Christmas break)?

Image result for teaching quote

I’m in my sixth year of teaching, and I still enjoy teaching as much as I did when I first started. I even like *whispers* Mondays!

What? It’s true!

For those of you who still enjoy teaching as much as you did on day one, I hope you keep the spirit alive during your holiday break. For those of you who are contemplating a career change, take…

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A Matter of CPTSD, Autism, & My Writing

Okay, because… Because this is so strongly impacting my work & writing on WIP/The Home for Lost Souls…

Organization of data as a rather critical skill for writers, particularly once you get into the longer forms of fiction. Notes on world building, characters, time lines, settings, and subplots… These are all critically important for continuity when you get into novel series, particularly if things are going to run “long.”

In the past while writing short stories and novelettes, I could float the entire story in my head, so I could mostly get around my weaknesses at organization. But for writing any of my interconnected series of stories ideas… This has become a rather nasty… Problem.

The short version of the problem is any and all thoughts of organization (writing isn’t the only one) induces an emotional type flashback, that comes with panic attacks, anxiety attacks (yes, they are different), and if I push too hard… Suicidal thoughts, despondency, and… Worse.

So I try very hard to avoid getting to the bad stages of these consequences. IE, I just avoid thinking too hard about organization. And yes, this has come up in sessions with psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, counselors. And the answers fall into several categories. Silence and non-reactiveness from them. Termination of services. “I didn’t sign up for that.”

None of the nine drugs they have experimented on me with helped either. Most made it actually worse. And let me tell you, hallucinations while being hyper-vigilant, panicking, and scared out of your mind… Was not fun.

So, I have a quandary.

The Home for Lost Souls, even if I ditched everything past the first story arc, basically reducing it to just the original one novel idea…

It is still a story an order of magnitude in length beyond anything else I have successfully written, and thus notes, organizing them, and [insert words I don’t know here for the screaming fear thing-y in back of my mind[.

While I am reluctant to do another NaNoWriMo blind, with no notes, no plans on “paper”, since all previous attempts have collapsed at between 20k-25k words…

I have no other choice but to try or give up on writing permanently.

Even just simple things like trying to write out a bullet list of moments I already know I have to write towards, has proven impossible. I get 2-5 written down… And then I forget the task existed and lose all track of the files OR paper they were written upon. IE, my CPTSD stuff sets in and sabotages the work, internally.

I have two more days in which to get some kind of outline, notes, something written down before Nov 1 and NaNo starts. I am so hoping the parts of me that want to write The Home for Lost Souls want to write more than the CPTSD parts believe I need to be stopped from doing anything of any value are.

NaNoWriMo 2017

Well. I’ve done it. I’ve now formally tossed my hat into the ring for NaNo 2017.

This will be my fourth attempt, and third with a version of my current WIP. In the past I was always unprepared for the sheer volume of work necessary to write a novel. I’ve had the time for years, but going from short stories to a novel… Was a larger hill than I expected/assumed.

This year with two years of prep, story expansion, better fleshing out of the world, setting, characters, character relationships, and underpinning theme for what has now become a trilogy… I am hoping I am finally prepared enough to write the novel that has been nagging at the back of my mind to be written for nearly three years.

Of course also coming further along in my therapy/treatment for complex PTSD and understanding of my limitations from Aspergers, I will help as well.

Debating doing a running journal of my work on WIP over NaNo 2017. I’m gonna have to seriously weigh the pros and cons of doing such (like spoilers for instance) before I commit to something like journaling this. We will see. We will see.

But for now, I’m formally in NaNoWriMo 2017. Heaven help us all >_>

Reasons for Being Away

Apologies for being quiet for nearly two months, but a few things have happened IRL.

First off, hurricane Harvey dumped 3 to 4 foot (yes, feet of rain, not inches) of rain on Houston and the surrounding areas. And though I did not get flooded out nor suffer any major water damage, Houston ground to a halt for several days, and this impacted many other aspects of life locally, lol.

Second, RL best friend a growth cut out and was in the hospital recovering the week OF Harvey, and since I decided this time around I was going to have some meaningful presence in a RL friend with medical issues life DURING it. The two combined were something of an adventure. Luckily as an old school D&D’er, I’m rather fond of adventuring, lmao.

Third, after the delays Harvey caused in getting the pathology report back were done, friend found out his growth had both malignant and benign tumors. This week started chemo for him, and I’m just as involved in that as I was for the surgery.

Fourth, son started college, his first serious time away from home, and that came with all the home sickness angst, including some late night meltdown “I can’t do this!” phone calls, emails, texts, etc., that first weekend.

None of this is nothing I have not dealt with before, just not all at once together, lol. But it put a crimp in my blogging about my writing experiences particularly with complex PTSD and aspergers syndrome.

But not a crimp on the brainstorms and inspirations FOR writing, lmao. But more on that later when I have more time for another blog post. Lots of running today >_>